Lampy's Braces
by Hokuto Uchiha
Summary: Lampwick must get braces after a visit to the dentist. Follow Lampy's misadventures as he gets magnetized to a bunch of stuff! Rated T for Lampy's mouth, hippies, and Lampy getting high.
1. Bad News, Lampy!

**Chapter 1: Bad News, Lampy!**

One day, Lampwick was with his mom and brothers and sisters at the dentist. He was sitting in one of the chairs in the waiting room, pouting. Just then, he felt something hit him on the head. Something liquid.

"Yuck!" Lampwick exclaimed as he wiped the stuff off the side of his head. He smelled what had been on him: baby formula! "Alright, who's the wise guy who—" Lampwick then saw his little brother, Gilberto, laughing at him, holding baby Eufemia's bottle in his hands. Gilberto squirted Lampwick again, this time along with Loreta and Domenico. He gritted his teeth and made a fist. "Gilberto…you little…"

"Ew!" Loreta said. "Gilberto, that's gross!" The toddler just laughed.

"Gross," said Domenico.

"Ma, Gilberto squirted baby milk on me!" said Lampwick.

Stefania looked over to her kids, then saw Gilberto laughing and playing with Eufemia's bottle. "No, Gilberto, no. That's Eufie's bottle." She took the bottle from the child and gave it back to a now hungry and crying Eufemia.

"Ma, why do I have to see the stupid dentist?" Lampwick asked his mom.

"Because, Romeo, dental hygiene is serious," Stefania replied. "If you go to the dentist, then he'll find something if there's a problem."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," said Lampwick. "Stupid dentist. Bet Pinocchio doesn't have to come here."

Just then, Pinocchio came out of the dentist's office, along with Geppetto and Jiminy. The boy looked happy.

"That's great, my little Pinocchio," said Geppetto. "No cavities at all."

"Yeah, Pinoch!" said Jiminy. "Another perfect record."

Pinocchio noticed Lampwick being poked and prodded by the twins, Vincente and Rina. "Hey, Lampy!" He waved to his friend.

"Pinokey? You, too?" Lampwick asked.

"Yeah," said Pinocchio. "Guess what? I've got perfect teeth."

"Hey, what happened to those dumbass glasses?" Lampwick asked mockingly. He was then poked in the head by the twins. "Yow! Vincente, Rina, cut it the hell out."

Pinocchio looked irritated. "I have contacts now. And my glasses weren't dumb."

"Come on, Pinocchio," said Geppetto. "We have to go now."

"Okay, Father," said Pinocchio. "Bye, Lampy." He and his father walked out, Jiminy riding on Pinocchio's head.

"Romeo?" the dentist called. "Is Romeo here?"

"Yes, he's here," said Stefania. "Romeo, come on, hon."

"Fine," Lampwick mumbled. He stood up and followed the dentist into his office.

* * *

><p>"Okay, Romeo, why don't you sit in the chair, and we'll get started?"<p>

"Yeah, yeah," Lampwick said in a bored manner. His mother was right next to him, making sure he didn't do anything stupid. "Hey, it's Mr. Thirsty." Lampwick started playing with the mouth cleaner, putting it in his siblings' faces.

"Hey, cut it out, Lampy!" Rafaella complained. "Moooom!"

"Romeo, stop it," Stefania said firmly. She took Mr. Thirsty out of Lampwick's hands and put it back where it was. Lampwick pouted again. The dentist took a look at Lampwick's teeth for a bit, then wrote something on the chart.

The dentist looked over at Stefania. "Well, Mrs. Bruno, your son's gonna need braces."

"Oh my," said Stefania.

Lampwick stopped playing with Mr. Thirsty, then looked at the dentist. "What the hell? I'm not getting any damn braces!"

"Romeo Bruno!" Stefania scolded her son.

Lampwick literally shrunk in the chair. "Sorry, Ma."


	2. 2 Days Before 'B Day'

**Chapter 2: Two Days Before 'B-Day'**

The next day, Lampwick went to school as usual, only he looked sad. The reason he looked sad was, obviously, the braces that were to be put in his mouth that Saturday.

Alice, Pinocchio, and Alexander came up to Lampwick, concerned about their friend and wanting to know what was up.

"Lampy, what's up?" Alexander asked.

"Yes, you look upset," said Alice.

"And you usually skip school," said Pinocchio.

"I'm only here 'cause the stupid truant officer, a.k.a. "King John", won't get off my butt about it," said Lampwick. "And as for why I look upset, the dentist said I have to have braces put in on Saturday afternoon. That's my whole afternoon! Plus, I'll look butt-ugly!"

Alexander leaned towards Alice and whispered to her. "Too late for that."

"What was that?" Lampwick asked.

"Uh, we said too bad," Alexander lied and grinned.

"Oh," said Lampwick. "Man! Stupid dentist and his stupid braces."

"C'mon, Lampy, I'm sure having braces won't be that bad," Pinocchio said. "My father had to wear a retainer for a while when he was a kid, and he turned out okay."

Lampwick imagined, for a second, Geppetto at Pinocchio's age with a retainer and started having a laughing fit. It took Alice, Alexander, and Pinocchio to haul him into the classroom once the bell rang. Unfortunately, Lampwick kept on laughing until he ended up having to stand out in the hall next to a girl named Melody.

* * *

><p>"What'd you do?" Lampwick asked Melody.<p>

"I put my pet crab, Sebastian, on the teacher's head," Melody explained. "Well…Sebastian gave him a haircut and pinched his finger." She held out Sebastian for Lampwick to see.

Lampwick chuckled. "This little guy doesn't look so tough." he started laughing again, until Sebastian grabbed his nose and wouldn't let go. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Now he was running back and forth, Melody running after him, warning him not to throw Sebastian. "GET 'IM OFF, GET 'IM OFF! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH, THE LIFE I LIVE!"

Finally, Melody managed to get Sebastian off Lampwick's poor, throbbing nose. "Why did you have to make fun of Sebastian, Lampy? He's a very sensitive crab, you know."

"Really? Because of the way he attacked me, I would've never guessed, Mel," said Lampwick.

"Don't call me Mel!" said Melody. "Mel Gibson ruined that name."

* * *

><p>For the rest of the day, everything was a little better. At least Lampwick didn't get thrown out again for laughing in class, and he didn't get attacked by anymore crabs or other marine animals.<p>

But, one thing still bothered Lampwick as the day ended: Saturday, the day he would get his braces. Also known as "B-Day".

* * *

><p>"Hey, Pinokey, do ya think you can help me get out of getting braces?" Lampwick asked Pinocchio, in hopes that his friend would help.<p>

"Sorry, I don't think I can," said Pinocchio. "I couldn't get out of getting glasses before Father got me my contacts, no matter how much I didn't want to wear them. I don't know how I can get you out of B-Day."

"Oh, man!" Lampwick whined. Then he went to Alexander.

* * *

><p>"Alex, you've gotta help me!" Lampwick said desperately. "I can't get braces! They'll destroy my reputation!"<p>

"What reputation?" Alexander asked. "And I'm sorry, but I can't help you. My mama wouldn't be happy if I got you out of an important appointment."

"Oh, _figlio di una cagna!_" Lampwick said. Then he went to Alice's house.

* * *

><p>"Please, please, please, please, PLEASE!" Lampwick said to his other friend.<p>

"Sorry, Lampy, but you have to get your braces," said Alice. "If you don't, your teeth will become all crooked and messed up. Just get your braces, Lampy. It's not that bad. My sister Margaret had braces, and it didn't ruin her life."

Lampwick cried in despair and trudged back home, where he awaited another day, which brought him closer to B-Day.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>_Figlio di una cagna!- _Son of a bitch! (Italian)


End file.
